She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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