By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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