Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
