I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
