if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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