Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
