oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
