Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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