Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
