Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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