I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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