bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
