Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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