I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
