college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
