This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
