there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
