I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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