the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
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We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
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I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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