Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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