Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You're a waste of cheezeits
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
