Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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