Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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