i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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