Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
