I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
