Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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