Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
