That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
