I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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