i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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