on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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