i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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