end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
