On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
