The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
