I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
