I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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