What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
