Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
