Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
