Your tits are I can't wait for
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
