He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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