You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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