Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
