Even the bartender felt bad for me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
