I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sorry my hands just texted you
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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