I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
