She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
