Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
