totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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