I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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