I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
