she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
