shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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