My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
