The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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